Delight in Him by Alexandra Esperance

I have never been a woman that desired or prayed for a husband. One of the many reasons is that it has always been easy to get one even if it was the wrong one. Without searching, men would crawl out of anywhere and out of nowhere, while I would pick which one, I would allow into my space based on which version of me was present at the moment.   

For many years, I have never desired a husband, I knew I could be a wife and wanted to reap some benefits of being one but I just never wanted to be one. I knew this wasn’t because of growing into my own understanding of marriage but because of trauma, hurt, and disappointment through my relationship with men and family. My heart’s desire was always to have children. It didn’t matter how I would get them, my laser was focused on having children. That was my heart’s cry to God.

Throughout the years I began understanding my divine destiny, assignments, and calling, I knew that in order to have those children, I would have to become someone’s wife. So I accepted and embraced the wife role with one goal in mind. It was my way of trying to manipulate God but of course, God knows better.

I recently ended a marriage engagement. A part of me knew there was something more I needed to have in my destiny walk from the person that was called to lead me. At this point in my life with the understanding of my experiences, I knew this person would not be able to give it to me. I had to release the good in order to get to the ordained.

It took me some time to unharden my heart in order to release the hurt and disappointment.

I decided to sit before God and finally cried the tears that welled up inside. I was grateful for the good things that this person allowed me to experience and enjoy. Some things I have never experienced in my past relationships. But I knew what was missing was the most important thing to me.

As I emptied my soul, God comforted me and told me the best is yet to come. I now understand, what God was doing in that season of my life. He was purifying my heart of past relationship hurt, abuse, disappointment, and trauma. It was God’s way of bringing back the desire to have a husband. He allowed me to experience goodness and place an expectation for the best.

After my cleansing, in my sleep, I was ministered by God who reminded me to delight in Him. Psalm 37 v 4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” With the emphasis on delight, now that the desire for a husband had settled.

DELIGHT(H6026): to be soft, be delicate, be dainty, to be pliable

I understood, however, the Lord wants to do it, I shall delight in Him. However the Lord wants to lead my life, I shall delight in Him. However long He wants to take for that desire to come to pass, I shall delight in Him.

At night the seed was planted, in the morning I decided to water it during my devotion time. My spirit was fully strengthened when reading verses 5-6.

Commit^[a] your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

I held tight to the instructions of committing my ways and trusting in God. The promise for keeping the instructions is that it shall come to pass. I was encouraged to know that my righteousness would be the light that will go forth for my husband to find me. And justice would be the children I would bear for my husband, putting an end to the journey of miscarriages.

So, I am walking this season of singleness as the Lord leads in order to be the wife that desires her husband not just the fruit of being his wife.

 Alexandra Esperance, Author 

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